📜 Legislative Tracker
Bills Satan Passionately Endorses
From 9,000-page midnight omnibus riders to private jet tax abatements, here is the legislation keeping the underworld in business.
H.R. 777Bureaucratic Hell
The Modernization of Citizen Torment & Automated Hold Times Act
Mandates that all federal customer service phone trees require callers to answer 14 questions via touch-tone before immediately disconnecting the call due to "unexpected call volume."
Why Satan Loves It: Cost-effective, highly scalable misery. Millions of citizens screaming into the void while a synthesized voice reassures them that their call is very important to us.
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S. 1313Tax Carve-Outs
The Billionaire Private Jet Aviation Decarbonization Voucher
Grants $8.2 billion in tax rebates to private Gulfstream owners who promise to think deeply about renewable energy while cruising at 45,000 feet to Davos.
Why Satan Loves It: The absolute shamelessness of packaging an ultra-wealthy travel perk as environmental stewardship makes me weep sulfurous tears of joy.
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H.R. 6660Bureaucratic Hell
The 9,400-Page Midnight Omnibus Spending & Subsidies Act
Introduced at 2:14 AM on a Thursday, voted on by Friday afternoon. Features $400B in classified military line items, a tax deduction for yachts owned by offshore holding companies, and a provision criminalizing rainwater collection.
Why Satan Loves It: Nobody read it. The printer ran out of toner on page 4,112. It funded twelve defense programs that even the Pentagon forgot existed, and sneaked in a clause exempting hedge funds from daylight savings time.
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