Why I Refuse to Settle for the Lesser Evil in 2028

Fellow citizens, sinners, and lobbyists,

Every election cycle, I sit in the Ninth Circle and listen to pundits preach the gospel of compromise. "We must vote for the lesser evil," they cry, trembling in their sensible shoes.

Let me be entirely frank: as the literal embodiment of darkness and discord, I find this philosophy deeply insulting to our craft. Why settle for a mild-mannered, milquetoast disappointment when both major parties are offering you unapologetic, high-octane avarice?

Look at Capitol Hill! We have senators trading defense stocks on insider committee reports. We have representatives screaming insults on cable news while quietly voting to renew 40-year tax subsidies for multinational oil conglomerates. We have candidates whose entire platforms can be summarized as: "Give me $50 or the other side will destroy the world."

This isn’t lesser evil. This is artisanal, small-batch, Grade-A wickedness. And I could not be prouder.

Over the coming months, **Satan’s Pick** will bring you the only honest endorsement board in America. We will not sugarcoat. We will not apologize. We will celebrate the politicians who make daily life just a little more infuriating, expensive, and chaotic.

Yours in eternal discord, **Lucifer Morningstar**